I like kids, but parents are another story...

Don’t get me wrong: I love kids. They’re cute even when they’re angry or crying, and something instinctually makes me want to put their body parts in my mouth and pretend to eat. Nom nom nom. But parents? That’s a whole other matter.

Parents, you know your kids are cute. You spend tons of money giving them toys galore and dressing them up like mini yous, or at least, a cuter, smaller version of you. But when you take them out in public, you seem to lose some perspective. I’m here to help.

First of all, your baby is probably waaaay too young to bring to a restaurant. Your supernatural parental ability to block out your child’s piercing tantrum screams is great at bedtime, but SURPRISE! – the rest of the restaurant/store doesn’t share your superpower. And how about that toddler who doesn’t want to sit in his/her seat? Totally natural! And yet, totally inappropriate when the server/employees who are hustling about (often with arms full of hot food/heavy or fragile items) have to artfully dodge your child like some sort of bizarre course on Wipeout! Not cool, parents, not cool.

How about you over-accessorized and under-organized parents? In my nanny days, I learned a very valuable lesson: never leave home without your arsenal, i.e. the Diaper Bag. That’s right, you parents have somehow wandered into a restaurant with no reinforcements. A smart parent with a child of three or younger has the following in their diaper bag: diapers (duh), a change of clothes (in case they vomit/spill whatever all over their current clothes), crackers/juicebox/sippy cup, baby wipes, baby powder, sunscreen (seasonal), a few toys/books, etc. This is to keep them clothed, clean, entertained, and fed. How is it that parents manage to maneuver their Cadillac-sized strollers with a sense of entitlement that would make Paris Hilton blush, and yet fail to bring these necessary items, and expect the restaurant to bring out crackers/baby-friendly cups, etc? Well, it’s one thing if you’re at Chucky Cheese, but we have all seen these people in Cheesecake Factory or wherever, perplexed when restaurants don’t have sippy cups for their toddlers. Ridiculous.

Unruly children are no fun, I think we can all agree. But it’s more aggravating when two moms (with five kids between them) let their kids run wild so they can discuss their last pedicure experiences. Hey Mommy’s Day Out! Leave the kids at home with someone else or go to a playground if you want to ignore your kids while they run around and scream. (This also goes for large parties that want a “separate table” for the kids…this is NOT Thanksgiving at your house- there ain’t no “kids table.” It goes like this in the seating chart: Parent/Kid/Parent/Kid…)

Don’t have a long lunch at Applebees and expect the employees to act as your personal nanny. This goes for the mess your kid just made all over the table – it’s your kid, and thus your job to clean up after them. Since your kids just spent the last hour throwing half of their food on the floor (see above: this is a clear indication your kid is too young to be in a public dining experience), I think it’s your responsibility to clean up the cracker mess you made the server fetch for you (which they didn’t charge you for).

Responsible parenting requires a lot of sacrifices- like saying goodbye to eight hours of sleep/sleeping in past eight a.m. If you decide to take your child out, you must be willing to leave the restaurant/store/movie when your child throws a tantrum. This means boxing up the food to go, or not seeing the end to Toy Story 3, whatever.

As far as us childless people are concerned- we make the following promise: if you control your child, we promise not to use the word “douchebag” in front of your kid (which you will have to explain later), or tell any inappropriate sex stories about waking up in a dumpster without our pants (again!).

For your part, we would like you to take your child outside (or home) when they throw a screaming fit and pay attention not to let them wander or throw food or run tearing through the store like little street urchins. The simple fact is this- your children ARE a reflection of you, like it or not.

Parents, if you persevere, your patience will yield an awesome reward. I asked my mother once (who was a day care provider for 22 years) how she handled us when we threw tantrums. She said if we acted up in a restaurant/grocery store, etc., she firmly grabbed our upper arm, leaned close to our ear, and told us if we didn’t behave immediately, we were leaving and we wouldn’t be allowed back. She said at least once she walked out on a full grocery cart due to a tantrum. (She didn’t say who, but I’m pretty sure it was one of my siblings…) She also said it never happened again…