I like kids, but parents are another story...

Don’t get me wrong: I love kids. They’re cute even when they’re angry or crying, and something instinctually makes me want to put their body parts in my mouth and pretend to eat. Nom nom nom. But parents? That’s a whole other matter.

Parents, you know your kids are cute. You spend tons of money giving them toys galore and dressing them up like mini yous, or at least, a cuter, smaller version of you. But when you take them out in public, you seem to lose some perspective. I’m here to help.

First of all, your baby is probably waaaay too young to bring to a restaurant. Your supernatural parental ability to block out your child’s piercing tantrum screams is great at bedtime, but SURPRISE! – the rest of the restaurant/store doesn’t share your superpower. And how about that toddler who doesn’t want to sit in his/her seat? Totally natural! And yet, totally inappropriate when the server/employees who are hustling about (often with arms full of hot food/heavy or fragile items) have to artfully dodge your child like some sort of bizarre course on Wipeout! Not cool, parents, not cool.

How about you over-accessorized and under-organized parents? In my nanny days, I learned a very valuable lesson: never leave home without your arsenal, i.e. the Diaper Bag. That’s right, you parents have somehow wandered into a restaurant with no reinforcements. A smart parent with a child of three or younger has the following in their diaper bag: diapers (duh), a change of clothes (in case they vomit/spill whatever all over their current clothes), crackers/juicebox/sippy cup, baby wipes, baby powder, sunscreen (seasonal), a few toys/books, etc. This is to keep them clothed, clean, entertained, and fed. How is it that parents manage to maneuver their Cadillac-sized strollers with a sense of entitlement that would make Paris Hilton blush, and yet fail to bring these necessary items, and expect the restaurant to bring out crackers/baby-friendly cups, etc? Well, it’s one thing if you’re at Chucky Cheese, but we have all seen these people in Cheesecake Factory or wherever, perplexed when restaurants don’t have sippy cups for their toddlers. Ridiculous.

Unruly children are no fun, I think we can all agree. But it’s more aggravating when two moms (with five kids between them) let their kids run wild so they can discuss their last pedicure experiences. Hey Mommy’s Day Out! Leave the kids at home with someone else or go to a playground if you want to ignore your kids while they run around and scream. (This also goes for large parties that want a “separate table” for the kids…this is NOT Thanksgiving at your house- there ain’t no “kids table.” It goes like this in the seating chart: Parent/Kid/Parent/Kid…)

Don’t have a long lunch at Applebees and expect the employees to act as your personal nanny. This goes for the mess your kid just made all over the table – it’s your kid, and thus your job to clean up after them. Since your kids just spent the last hour throwing half of their food on the floor (see above: this is a clear indication your kid is too young to be in a public dining experience), I think it’s your responsibility to clean up the cracker mess you made the server fetch for you (which they didn’t charge you for).

Responsible parenting requires a lot of sacrifices- like saying goodbye to eight hours of sleep/sleeping in past eight a.m. If you decide to take your child out, you must be willing to leave the restaurant/store/movie when your child throws a tantrum. This means boxing up the food to go, or not seeing the end to Toy Story 3, whatever.

As far as us childless people are concerned- we make the following promise: if you control your child, we promise not to use the word “douchebag” in front of your kid (which you will have to explain later), or tell any inappropriate sex stories about waking up in a dumpster without our pants (again!).

For your part, we would like you to take your child outside (or home) when they throw a screaming fit and pay attention not to let them wander or throw food or run tearing through the store like little street urchins. The simple fact is this- your children ARE a reflection of you, like it or not.

Parents, if you persevere, your patience will yield an awesome reward. I asked my mother once (who was a day care provider for 22 years) how she handled us when we threw tantrums. She said if we acted up in a restaurant/grocery store, etc., she firmly grabbed our upper arm, leaned close to our ear, and told us if we didn’t behave immediately, we were leaving and we wouldn’t be allowed back. She said at least once she walked out on a full grocery cart due to a tantrum. (She didn’t say who, but I’m pretty sure it was one of my siblings…) She also said it never happened again…

How to Talk to Your Server

According to Research and Market reports, more than half of adults agree that eating out is an essential part of their lifestyle. We go on business lunches, dates, socialize with friends, or just avoid an empty fridge at home. Why then do so many people not know how to talk to their server?

Ok, I’m going to avoid the subject of incompetent servers for a moment here- that’s another topic for another day. Let’s review the common mistakes made by diners when addressing their servers.

Situation: Your server comes to the table and greets you, “Hi. How are you doing today?” Your response, “I would like a Coke.” Really? They asked you a question. Answer it. We all know their next question is probably going to be to ask you for your choice of beverage. You are too impatient to smile back and answer their question? Rude.

Situation: You ask your server for an iced tea. The server goes and gets your iced tea. Now, even though you drink iced tea with a slice of lemon and one sugar packet, you fail to ask the server for that when you ordered your drink. The server returns, and you say,” Oh. Can I have a lemon please?” Maybe you should think things through. The server is not a mind reader. If you know you are going to need something, ask for it in advance. Don’t run your server ragged. They will be less likely to keep coming back.

Situation: You are eating your food and need something. You ask the first person you see, who is not your server. Ok, now I know the server is not standing over your table at all times. However, the other servers (and bussers and hosts) are not all at your beck and call. It is polite to ask the other employees to send for your server. Don’t ask them to do it for you. Are you going to tip them? Then ask for the person who is working for your tip. The whole restaurant is not your staff of servants. Don’t know what your server’s name is or what they look like? Well, if you had taken the time to smile and return their eye contact, you could have avoided this.

Situation: You are finished with your meal and would like a box to take the rest home. You say, “ You can go ahead and box this.” (Your server is probably thinking, “Oh. CAN I? Gee, thanks.”) First of all, this is very assuming. Some servers will box your food. Some are worried they may accidentally touch or drop your food. Some have several other tables and can’t spend fifteen minutes at each table boxing everyone’s food. Are you seriously incapable of boxing your own food that you will touch and eat yourself? Secondly, it is very impolite to tell someone what to do. Alternate response: “May I have a box please?” Yes, you may.

Of course, there are many more situations to discuss, but overall, be courteous to your server. Sometimes you will need to repeat yourself- you are probably not their only table. Secondly, don’t run them around. After greeting you, fetching your drinks, taking your order, bringing your food, getting you extra condiments, bringing you a box, running out your check, and bringing back your credit card receipt or change, they’ve probably been to your table a minimum of 7-10 times. You’ve sat in their section for about an hour, and then you tip them 3 dollars? Or 5 dollars? It’s one thing to tip well (and courtesy is never a substitute for a good tip) but remember, your server is a person too. They’re just trying to do a good job, so treat them with respect and dignity.

Hello Manifesto! Defining Etiquette...

 I was out shopping with my mother a few weeks back and I opened the door for a woman and her young son before entering myself. Even though they were a few steps behind me, I made a conscious effort to be courteous- it certainly would not have been rude to simply go through the door and not look back- she was several steps behind me. But, my mother raised me right, and so I waited patiently, holding the door for the woman and her son. The woman not only walked past me without so much as a nod, a smile, eye contact- much less a thank you!- but she passed through to the second set of doors and let it slam right in my face. "Rude," I thought. "I bet your kid is going to grow up to be an a-hole just like you." 

 Maybe it was wrong of me to expect courtesy in return. After all, it was meant to be a gesture of kindness, and we shouldn't do everything for a reward, right? Should we only say "Thank you" in order to hear a resounding "You're welcome"? Hell yes. This is called "etiquette," people.

Etiquette is defined as the "code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group." (Thanks Wikipedia!) The anthropological (and etymological) significance of etiquette (deriving from the French meaning "ticket") is that these conventions of social interactions help us communicate with each other, and well, simply share a space together. It is our admission "ticket" to civilized society. 


 Much like the notion that "common sense" is not, in fact, all that common, I decided to create a blog dedicated to the discussion of modern etiquette. Since Emily Post (God Bless Her) hasn't had a chance to write on situations more complicated than how to respond to an RSVP event invitation, I thought I might tackle the simple mistakes so commonly made in contemporary social scenarios.


What does this include? Top at my list is of course how people behave in public. As someone in the humanities, I have worked part time jobs as a server for years. Now yes, tipping is a delicate (and much disagreed upon) form of etiquette, but I am more concerned with HOW you talk to your server, etc.


I realize the irony of a blog dedicated to etiquette: I am most likely preaching to the converted. If you have the slightest interest in etiquette, your mother has already done right by you. Pat yourself on the back. Now let's see if we can spread the good word on proper social etiquette.