Dating Artists: A Responsorial Blog

A good friend of mine, and a fellow artist-turned-professional, tipped me off to a website: http://www.finearttips.com/2011/02/10-reasons-why-you-should-date-an-artist/

Her thoughts, which I echoed, is that these reasons (10 Reasons Why You Should Date an Artist) are quite easy to refute. Since my good friend TB and I have dated a few between us, I thought I would compose a little response to these reasons.

1. "They're Passionate!" (but not necessarily smart!) Ah, the passion. This would be the initial reason that you are lured in by the Artist. They spend hours on their art, they labor over beauty, and they seem somehow transfixed by the subtleties of the green flecks in your eyes. Don't, however, mistake the passion for intellect. Their passion is fleeting, just like emotions, and riding their emotional roller coaster can give you some serious whiplash.

2. "They're Smart!" Um, yeah - not all of them. Unfortunately, their discipline (if they possess it) is probably completely centered around their artwork, so aside from knowing a lot about different types of glazes for oil paint, they may have forgotten to pay their rent on time.

3. "You'll Inspire Them..." Yeah, that's not always a good thing. While you may enjoy a brief period as their muse, more likely you'll end up the brunt of their disenfranchisement. As a wise friend Melanie said, "Never date an artist, because after you break up they'll make bad art about you." Hahha. Indeed.

4. "They Make Their Own Hours." Yes, this is true. And their "very important work" will happen during your mother's visit or when you need a ride to the airport. They'll decide they're done working at 3 a.m., and not wake up until noon the next day. And when you find them on your couch eating cereal and watching The Real Housewives on a Wednesday afternoon, they'll inform you that they don't "feel inspired." You'll be yearning for a nice boring accountant who has money and time to take you to dinner and a movie.

5. "They Have Great Stories.." yep. About Themselves. And their Band. Nuff said.

6. "They Make Great Pictionary Partners." Don't encourage them. They'll probably make an entire solo exhibition with those tiny drawings from the game and dedicate it to Marcel Duchamp. You don't want to be around when they write that artist's statement.

7. "You Might Get to See The World..." in a flea-ridden hostel. Or in a crappy van with their band. And by " the World," I mean some dumb road trip across Kansas.

8. "Their Creativity Extends Beyond the Canvas..." and beyond your bedroom. No, I mean watch out for those wandering eyes. Their "passion" is probably noticing the subtleties in someone else's green eyes...

9. "They've Got Mad Skills..." and no job. If by "Mad Skills" you mean they write with a fourth grade spelling level and possess the ability to turn every subject back on themselves and their art or music, then yes, I concur.

10. "Artist's Rock." The real ones do.*

* Hey, I love you artists! This only goes out to the posers and the hipsters...

The Art of Karaoke

Karaoke: from the Japanese, meaning to get drunk and sing badly into a microphone in front of the whole bar.

Some people find "Karaoke Night" at a bar as the Seventh Level of Hell. Some people cruise bar after bar, hitting a different karaoke night a few times a week. For most of us, karaoke is an infrequent occurrence often brought about by a friend's silly birthday idea or an "adventure" planned by coworkers. Either way, don't be afraid if you're dragged out one night for karaoke. Here are some tips and tricks for what you'll see, and advice for how not to be "THAT GUY."

Don't be the...

SAD BASTARD. Radiohead does not have a home in karaoke. Karaoke is all about FUN, and singing "Creep" only kills everyone's buzz. Don't be a Debby Downer.
(This falls into the larger category of "POOR SONG CHOICE PEOPLE"...)

THE "SEXY" DRUNK GIRL. Oh yeah, squeeze yourself into some tight tube top, down a bunch of tequila, and jump up onstage to sing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. Um, if we're your friends, we're squirming awkwardly for you, or we're uploading this performance to YouTube as you sing. Try not to fall off the stage while you're "sexy dancing."

THE FORMER CHOIR STAR. I get it- you once won the junior high talent show singing Bette Midler's "The Rose." But that was 1998, and you haven't been in choir since Brittany Spears was a virgin. Let...it...goooooo.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Want to sing "Summer Lovin'" from Grease? Join the club. Can I NOT hear this song for the 18th million time?! That'd be greeeeeaat, thanks.

THE MUMBLING RAPPER. You sing along to Barenaked Ladies in the car? Think you know all the lyrics? Not when you're drunk and a microphone is in hand. Try to avoid songs with fast tempos- amateurs need not apply.

THE SPOTLIGHT HOGGER. Try to limit yourself to two to three songs, Former Choir Star. Yes, people may compliment your singing. Don't take it as an invitation to sing four more songs.

THE NON-PARTICIPATING JUDGE. Regardless of the criticisms above, it takes a lot of courage (or vodka) to get onstage and make a potential fool of yourself. So the worst person in the karaoke bar is the one who doesn't have the balls to sing, but loves to criticize every person onstage. Step up or shut up, dude.


So, go have some fun and try to limit the drinks (and the songs)!

New year, same resolutions, same a**holes at the gym...

Ok, so January means resolutions, and of course, the most important resolution of all: to shave 10 + pounds off your ass. Translation: a busy gym. So here’s my rant about people I can’t stand at the gym.

Orange people. Your fake tan is gross, and, may I remind you, it’s the winter, and we live in the Midwest. Maybe in the late spring and summer you can somehow convince the general populace that you are part Native American or that you spend 40+ hours poolside. In any case, why don’t you complete the illusion by greasing up your half-naked body with baby oil? I’m pretty sure we’d all be fooled.

Gym bunnies. They roll in with their hair in a messy bun, face caked in makeup, a flimsy tank top with four inches of cleavage popping out, and Victoria’s Secret yoga pants rolled down low on their waist. The majority of their time is spent “stretching,” and when they do get on the treadmill, their energy is exerted sashaying their hips. I get it- they already had a good workout at home with their Carmen Electra “Aerobic Striptease” video. Hey Bunny, just go home please.

The Creepy Old Dude. Does this need to be explained? He’s dressed in oddly old-fashioned workout clothes, like high socks with stripes, a sweatband, and way too short running shorts. He looks intent on working out, but really he’s just ogling the gym bunnies. Great. Maybe you two could head towards the stretching room together?

The Bad Ass. Oh yeah, you have a tattoo sleeve of a giant Koi fish and stars and a sparrow, and whatever else rockabilly trend was popular in the late 90s/early 00s. You have zero percent body fat, run 7 miles a day, and only drink organic protein shakes. Thanks for gracing us with your presence. Now I can have someone to ask for advice when I need some fair trade coffee. Don’t you people have your own hipster gym? 

The Talkers. I need my iPod to workout. Sometimes I have a buddy to workout alongside me. Never, ever, though, do I make outrageously loud and long phone calls while bouncing up and down on an elliptical machine. Seriously, are you filled with too much self-importance or self-loathing that you can’t be alone for 30 minutes with your thoughts or music? This is the most offensive form of multi-tasking I am privy to in my daily routine. I can hear you over my Lady Gaga. Shut the f**k up. 

Ok, so maybe I’m cranky. It’s hard enough to get my fat butt to the gym, and I have to contend with these jerks. But let me tell you who I love: the chubby people. Amen. I’m with you- I celebrate you and your mediocre attempt at fitness because I am one of you. We gotta start somewhere. And Rome wasn’t built in a day. Or, in our case, Jersey City...:) 

No white shoes after Labor Day? Try no butterflies after age 13...

As an amateur observer and practitioner of fashion, and a student of history, it is no surprise to learn that fashion is often recycled and recast in cyclical patterns. Of course, it makes sense that floral patterns are popular in the spring, while earth tones dominate in the fall. Optical patterns will distract from your big butt; tailored jackets give you the illusion of a waist. Simple. Reasonable. In my humble opinion, however, certain trends need to be forever dead and buried, with no possibility of fashion reincarnation, particularly not in adult fashion.

1.       Tie dye.  Really? In case you don’t realize this yet, it’s ugly, and should only be used as an art project for five year olds. After that, please let it reside in the Woodstock archives alongside patchouli. Sheesh, you dirty hippies and your assault on my eyes and sense of smell! Did you know that patchouli was used in ancient cultures to cure deadly snakebites? That’s because it’s so disgusting and strong even venom can’t compete.

2.       Text on the seat of pants. Good God, this goes along with t-shirts featuring cows, cats, or horizontal stripes on women weighing over 160 lbs. Maybe if you’re a 15 year old cheerleader you can wear some sweatpants that say “Juicy” across the butt. And guess what, when they look back on those pictures 15 years later, they will have the same reaction you did to photos of yourself in a neon orange and fluorescent green L.A. Gear t-shirt and a hair scrunchie. Stupid trends are for teenagers- please let’ em have them.

3.       Butterflies. Why is this still a design motif? Why are grown women wearing this? I don’t want a necklace, a bracelet, a patterned dress- anything of fashion with a butterfly on it. Why? Because I am not 13. Nuff said…

4.       I HEART Paris. What a surprise- most people wearing these shirts have never been to Paris (or NY, or Hawaii, or whatever exotic locale is advertised across their Old Navy t-shirt). And people who have…wouldn’t wear this dumb shirt. Maybe instead it should read, “I’m a dumb American, but I hear Paris is really great.”

5.       Logos. Whoever came up with the idea of charging people to advertise for their clothing companies by emblazoning their name across an overpriced cotton shirt is a genius. The people who buy them? Well, you know what they say about a fool and their money…they are soon parted.

I like kids, but parents are another story...

Don’t get me wrong: I love kids. They’re cute even when they’re angry or crying, and something instinctually makes me want to put their body parts in my mouth and pretend to eat. Nom nom nom. But parents? That’s a whole other matter.

Parents, you know your kids are cute. You spend tons of money giving them toys galore and dressing them up like mini yous, or at least, a cuter, smaller version of you. But when you take them out in public, you seem to lose some perspective. I’m here to help.

First of all, your baby is probably waaaay too young to bring to a restaurant. Your supernatural parental ability to block out your child’s piercing tantrum screams is great at bedtime, but SURPRISE! – the rest of the restaurant/store doesn’t share your superpower. And how about that toddler who doesn’t want to sit in his/her seat? Totally natural! And yet, totally inappropriate when the server/employees who are hustling about (often with arms full of hot food/heavy or fragile items) have to artfully dodge your child like some sort of bizarre course on Wipeout! Not cool, parents, not cool.

How about you over-accessorized and under-organized parents? In my nanny days, I learned a very valuable lesson: never leave home without your arsenal, i.e. the Diaper Bag. That’s right, you parents have somehow wandered into a restaurant with no reinforcements. A smart parent with a child of three or younger has the following in their diaper bag: diapers (duh), a change of clothes (in case they vomit/spill whatever all over their current clothes), crackers/juicebox/sippy cup, baby wipes, baby powder, sunscreen (seasonal), a few toys/books, etc. This is to keep them clothed, clean, entertained, and fed. How is it that parents manage to maneuver their Cadillac-sized strollers with a sense of entitlement that would make Paris Hilton blush, and yet fail to bring these necessary items, and expect the restaurant to bring out crackers/baby-friendly cups, etc? Well, it’s one thing if you’re at Chucky Cheese, but we have all seen these people in Cheesecake Factory or wherever, perplexed when restaurants don’t have sippy cups for their toddlers. Ridiculous.

Unruly children are no fun, I think we can all agree. But it’s more aggravating when two moms (with five kids between them) let their kids run wild so they can discuss their last pedicure experiences. Hey Mommy’s Day Out! Leave the kids at home with someone else or go to a playground if you want to ignore your kids while they run around and scream. (This also goes for large parties that want a “separate table” for the kids…this is NOT Thanksgiving at your house- there ain’t no “kids table.” It goes like this in the seating chart: Parent/Kid/Parent/Kid…)

Don’t have a long lunch at Applebees and expect the employees to act as your personal nanny. This goes for the mess your kid just made all over the table – it’s your kid, and thus your job to clean up after them. Since your kids just spent the last hour throwing half of their food on the floor (see above: this is a clear indication your kid is too young to be in a public dining experience), I think it’s your responsibility to clean up the cracker mess you made the server fetch for you (which they didn’t charge you for).

Responsible parenting requires a lot of sacrifices- like saying goodbye to eight hours of sleep/sleeping in past eight a.m. If you decide to take your child out, you must be willing to leave the restaurant/store/movie when your child throws a tantrum. This means boxing up the food to go, or not seeing the end to Toy Story 3, whatever.

As far as us childless people are concerned- we make the following promise: if you control your child, we promise not to use the word “douchebag” in front of your kid (which you will have to explain later), or tell any inappropriate sex stories about waking up in a dumpster without our pants (again!).

For your part, we would like you to take your child outside (or home) when they throw a screaming fit and pay attention not to let them wander or throw food or run tearing through the store like little street urchins. The simple fact is this- your children ARE a reflection of you, like it or not.

Parents, if you persevere, your patience will yield an awesome reward. I asked my mother once (who was a day care provider for 22 years) how she handled us when we threw tantrums. She said if we acted up in a restaurant/grocery store, etc., she firmly grabbed our upper arm, leaned close to our ear, and told us if we didn’t behave immediately, we were leaving and we wouldn’t be allowed back. She said at least once she walked out on a full grocery cart due to a tantrum. (She didn’t say who, but I’m pretty sure it was one of my siblings…) She also said it never happened again…

How to Talk to Your Server

According to Research and Market reports, more than half of adults agree that eating out is an essential part of their lifestyle. We go on business lunches, dates, socialize with friends, or just avoid an empty fridge at home. Why then do so many people not know how to talk to their server?

Ok, I’m going to avoid the subject of incompetent servers for a moment here- that’s another topic for another day. Let’s review the common mistakes made by diners when addressing their servers.

Situation: Your server comes to the table and greets you, “Hi. How are you doing today?” Your response, “I would like a Coke.” Really? They asked you a question. Answer it. We all know their next question is probably going to be to ask you for your choice of beverage. You are too impatient to smile back and answer their question? Rude.

Situation: You ask your server for an iced tea. The server goes and gets your iced tea. Now, even though you drink iced tea with a slice of lemon and one sugar packet, you fail to ask the server for that when you ordered your drink. The server returns, and you say,” Oh. Can I have a lemon please?” Maybe you should think things through. The server is not a mind reader. If you know you are going to need something, ask for it in advance. Don’t run your server ragged. They will be less likely to keep coming back.

Situation: You are eating your food and need something. You ask the first person you see, who is not your server. Ok, now I know the server is not standing over your table at all times. However, the other servers (and bussers and hosts) are not all at your beck and call. It is polite to ask the other employees to send for your server. Don’t ask them to do it for you. Are you going to tip them? Then ask for the person who is working for your tip. The whole restaurant is not your staff of servants. Don’t know what your server’s name is or what they look like? Well, if you had taken the time to smile and return their eye contact, you could have avoided this.

Situation: You are finished with your meal and would like a box to take the rest home. You say, “ You can go ahead and box this.” (Your server is probably thinking, “Oh. CAN I? Gee, thanks.”) First of all, this is very assuming. Some servers will box your food. Some are worried they may accidentally touch or drop your food. Some have several other tables and can’t spend fifteen minutes at each table boxing everyone’s food. Are you seriously incapable of boxing your own food that you will touch and eat yourself? Secondly, it is very impolite to tell someone what to do. Alternate response: “May I have a box please?” Yes, you may.

Of course, there are many more situations to discuss, but overall, be courteous to your server. Sometimes you will need to repeat yourself- you are probably not their only table. Secondly, don’t run them around. After greeting you, fetching your drinks, taking your order, bringing your food, getting you extra condiments, bringing you a box, running out your check, and bringing back your credit card receipt or change, they’ve probably been to your table a minimum of 7-10 times. You’ve sat in their section for about an hour, and then you tip them 3 dollars? Or 5 dollars? It’s one thing to tip well (and courtesy is never a substitute for a good tip) but remember, your server is a person too. They’re just trying to do a good job, so treat them with respect and dignity.

Hello Manifesto! Defining Etiquette...

 I was out shopping with my mother a few weeks back and I opened the door for a woman and her young son before entering myself. Even though they were a few steps behind me, I made a conscious effort to be courteous- it certainly would not have been rude to simply go through the door and not look back- she was several steps behind me. But, my mother raised me right, and so I waited patiently, holding the door for the woman and her son. The woman not only walked past me without so much as a nod, a smile, eye contact- much less a thank you!- but she passed through to the second set of doors and let it slam right in my face. "Rude," I thought. "I bet your kid is going to grow up to be an a-hole just like you." 

 Maybe it was wrong of me to expect courtesy in return. After all, it was meant to be a gesture of kindness, and we shouldn't do everything for a reward, right? Should we only say "Thank you" in order to hear a resounding "You're welcome"? Hell yes. This is called "etiquette," people.

Etiquette is defined as the "code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group." (Thanks Wikipedia!) The anthropological (and etymological) significance of etiquette (deriving from the French meaning "ticket") is that these conventions of social interactions help us communicate with each other, and well, simply share a space together. It is our admission "ticket" to civilized society. 


 Much like the notion that "common sense" is not, in fact, all that common, I decided to create a blog dedicated to the discussion of modern etiquette. Since Emily Post (God Bless Her) hasn't had a chance to write on situations more complicated than how to respond to an RSVP event invitation, I thought I might tackle the simple mistakes so commonly made in contemporary social scenarios.


What does this include? Top at my list is of course how people behave in public. As someone in the humanities, I have worked part time jobs as a server for years. Now yes, tipping is a delicate (and much disagreed upon) form of etiquette, but I am more concerned with HOW you talk to your server, etc.


I realize the irony of a blog dedicated to etiquette: I am most likely preaching to the converted. If you have the slightest interest in etiquette, your mother has already done right by you. Pat yourself on the back. Now let's see if we can spread the good word on proper social etiquette.